The Alex Rodriguez Suspension Statement Translated Back Into Real English

Thanks in part to the vast resources of the Olbermann organization, we have made the following statement from Alex Rodriguez for one season of baseball translated into real English to tell us what he’s really saying.

“The number of games sadly comes as no surprise, as the deck has been stacked against me from day one.”

Translation: I got my ass kicked from here to eternity and back again.

“This is one man’s decision, that was not put before a fair and impartial jury, does not involve me having failed a single drug test, is at odds with the facts and is inconsistent with the terms of the Joint Drug Agreement and the Basic Agreement, and relies on testimony and documents that would never have been allowed in any court in the United States because they are false and wholly unreliable.”

Of which I have as much of a chance as someone here winning the biggest Powerball/Mega Millions jackpot.  Slim…and none.  By the way, if you see Slim, he just packed his bags on his way out.

“This injustice is MLB’s first step toward abolishing guaranteed contracts in the 2016 bargaining round, instituting lifetime bans for single violations of drug policy, and further insulating its corrupt investigative program from any variety defense by accused players, or any variety of objective review. “

For which I have gotten my ass kicked.  Besides, I’m really afraid of needles, even those of the sewing kind.

“I have been clear that I did not use performance enhancing substances as alleged in the notice of discipline, or violate the Basic Agreement or the Joint Drug Agreement in any manner, and in order to prove it I will take this fight to federal court.”

Again, the chances of that are as possible as hitting thr Pick Six at Hollywood Park next spring.  Oh, did I tell you that the racetrack closed down?

“I am confident that when a Federal Judge reviews the entirety of the record, the hearsay testimony of a criminal whose own records demonstrate that he dealt drugs to minors, and the lack of credible evidence put forth by MLB, that the judge will find that the panel blatantly disregarded the law and facts, and will overturn the suspension.”

When you consider that I am a eighteen-year-old boy trapped in a 38-year-old body, I am behaving like such.

“No player should have to go through what I have been dealing with, and I am exhausting all options to ensure not only that I get justice, but that players’ contracts and rights are protected through the next round of bargaining, and that the MLB investigation and arbitration process cannot be used against others in the future the way it is currently being used to unjustly punish me. “

And this on the 20th anniversary of Nancy Kerrigan getting whacked in the knee by a goon hired by Tonya Harding!

“I will continue to work hard to get back on the field and help the Yankees achieve the ultimate goal of winning another championship.”

Which according to the timetable that the late George Steinbrenner has on his youngest son’s desk, would be about 2055, give or take about a decade.

“I want to sincerely thank my family, all of my friends, and of course the fans and many of my fellow MLB players for the incredible support I received throughout this entire ordeal.”

Because I was getting my ass kicked all over the place.

Thank you.

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About jamesrussellcraven
Native Philadelphian, longtime sports fan and man about bon vivant.

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