Dan Gilbert Tells LeBron Where To Go, The MST3K Version Part Deux

So, in case you didn’t get your e-mail or were disposed on Planet Krumptoy last week, LeBron James decided on national TV to announce he would no longer be a member of the Cleveland Cavaliers and play for the Miami Heat in the 2010-11 NBA season.

Cavs’ owner Dan Gilbert fired off a mad letter to his fans, and sure enough, our pal Keith over at his nice little blog dubbed Keith’s  Sports Journal (http://49er16.blogspot.com) went all Mystery Science Theatre 3000 (or MST3K in shorthand) on it.  Well, being the type of guy I am, I just could not resist adding my own two cents on it.  Keith’s comments are in bold (he’s Crow), mine are in italics (making me Tom Servo as it were).

Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight:  (What? Cincinnati and Southeast Ohio doesn’t count?) (Nor does Columbus or Toledo!)

As you now know, our former hero (Cleveland has so few hero’s to root for) (Grover Cleveland Alexander?), who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening (But he did it to win more rings!) (Take less cash to do so), is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier. (Enjoy the lottery next season Cleveland) (From a 60-win season to twenty!)

This was announced with a several day, narcissistic (This word has been thrown around a lot lately) (Look that word up in the dictionary, and you’ll see a picture of Dan Gilbert!), self-promotional build-up (The NBA is full of self-promotion) (Yeah, like the WWE) culminating with a national TV special (With Jim Gray!) (Jim Fucking Gray of all people!) of his “decision” unlike anything ever “witnessed” (Love he quoted decision and witness. I would have cursed in those spots) (Quote this!) in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment. (“The Decision” did kill in the ratings.) (And easily outdrew TNA iMPACT!  Then again, so does anything else at that time.)

Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us. (As to exciting/inspired/delighted?) (Overreach statement on disappointing as well.)

The good news is that the ownership team (Over/Under the number of years until Gilbert sales the team: 2) (Ted Stepien much as far as ownership?  Once traded his 1981 top draft pick for a guy who died a few weeks later!) and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff (At least someone is employed in this economy) (Who on the staff are you talking about?) over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you. (Hah! Not betray you? You should have won at least one ring during the LeBron era.) (Two, maybe if the rest of the team forgot to play against San Antonio!)

There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future (Translation: We’re fucked) (And royally so). Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you. (Translation: We have no idea what to do now. Anderson Varejao is now our best player.) (I thought it was Shaq who was the best player on the team.  He has a couple rings… one in Miami!)

You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal. (Translation: I’m just as surprised he left as well.) (So was everyone else until the report came out about Miami.)

You have given so much and deserve so much more. (Detroit Lions/Buffalo Bills fans are snickering right now.) (And so are fans of the Pittsburgh Pirates, the Washington Wizards, oh how I could go on…)

In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:  (Translation: Here’s where I tell LeBron to fuck off.) (Oh, here we gooooo…)

(CAPS LOCK!) I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE” (Hold on I have to pick myself off the floor because I’m laughing so hard.) (In the words of Wayne Campbell “Yeah, and monkeys will fly outta my ass.”)

You can take it to the bank. (Just don’t take a loan from Dan Gilbert’s business.) (Or buy those Fathead wall stickers from him.)

If you thought we were motivated (LOL) (Motovation?  What is this motovation you speak of, sir?) before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland (What does tools have to do with LeBron leaving?) (From The Home Depot, no less), I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our “motivation” (Again, what exactly is this “motovation” you talk about, sir?) to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels. (Translation: We have no fucking clue what to do now.) (Yeah, the pre-LeBron or Stepien Eras.)

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there. (MORE CAPS LOCK!) (More like CRAPS LOCK!)

Sorry, but that’s simply not how it works. (Is there a vacation rental in Heaven?) (Methinks there’s a lovely spot in that other place called H-E-Double Hockey Sticks!)

This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown “chosen one” sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. (Yes children. Don’t take less money to win a championship. It’s all about the Benjamin’s.) (Since when do you teach us about that?) And “who” we would want them to grow-up to become. (He went with the children card. You see politicians do this all-the-time.) (He didn’t play the Tea Party card?)

But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called “curse” on Cleveland, Ohio. (I guess when all of your franchises haven’t won a title since the Lyndon Johnson era, they yeah your city is cursed.) (Of course, it was the pre-Super Bowl era for the Brownies, so technically, that would revert the Indians going back to the Harry Truman administration.)

The self-declared former “King” will be taking the “curse” with him down south (That’s how you rally the troops.). (Sure, rally the French with comments like that and they’ll surrender quicker than you think!) And until he does “right” by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) (Lemme guess? South Park, per chance?) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma. (I wouldn’t call a city with these type of women “cursed.”) (Do I smell Lake Erie burning right now?)

Just watch. (There’s nothing else to watch. Both the Indians and Browns suck right now.) (Whatever happened to the 1976 Cleveland Barons?)

Sleep well, Cleveland. (Burn shit to the ground!) (Yeah, like a baby.  Cry all the time for what it’s worth.)

Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day…. (Yes this. Except the exact opposite.) (Stewie Griffin’s weather forcast: Cloudy with a 100% chance of DOOM!)

I PROMISE (MORE CAPS LOCK!) (Stop it.) you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only: (Beating the Miami Heat?) (Fans of the Sacramento Kings and the Los Angeles Clippers are now laughing at you, Dan, not with you.)

DELIVERING YOU (MORE CAPS LOCK!) (Just stop it.) the championship (Or that) (A royal screwjob a la Survivor Series 1997) you have long deserved and is long overdue…. (More snickering from the city of Buffalo) (And Detroit, and Sacto, and Pittsburgh, and Washington…)

Dan Gilbert (The guy telling LeBron to fuck off) (The Ted Stepien of the new millennium, and $100K postage due to David Stern…)
Majority Owner (As opposed to Minority?) (Ah, Donald Sterling laughs at you, not with you)
Cleveland Cavaliers (The team more irrelevant now than the Cleveland Indians) (Or the Cleveland Browns…)

About jamesrussellcraven
Native Philadelphian, longtime sports fan and man about bon vivant.

2 Responses to Dan Gilbert Tells LeBron Where To Go, The MST3K Version Part Deux

  1. 49er16 says:

    Well done, JC.

  2. Now if we can pursuade Justin or Mookie to be Mike Nelson/Joel Hogdson…Genius I tells ya, GENIUS!

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